Two readers wrote to syndicated advice columnist Dear Abby this week with disputes close to home — one involving a misbehaving teenager next door in Kentucky, the other a live-in mother-in-law in Missouri who won’t lift a finger or pay a dime.
A woman identified as “Annoyed in Kentucky” wrote that her relationship with her next-door neighbor, called “Dee,” is strained because of Dee’s granddaughter, “Sarah.” The two were friendly a year ago, but Sarah grew disrespectful, ringing the woman’s doorbell for no reason and teasing her cats despite being asked to stop. Dee told her neighbor she would try to talk to Sarah but admitted she “can’t make Sarah mind at times.”
The bad behavior stopped for a while but resumed about two weeks ago, the letter writer said. Now Sarah skates back and forth in front of her apartment, and the woman recently caught the teen watching her while she was outside. She asked Abby how to preserve the friendship with Dee while dealing with a teenager who won’t quit acting up.
Abby’s answer put the responsibility squarely on the grandmother. “Dee is responsible for anything Sarah does, and you should react accordingly,” Abby wrote, rejecting the excuse that Dee can’t control her granddaughter. Abby said the “watching you” behavior alone isn’t worth jeopardizing the friendship over, but if Sarah’s conduct escalates back to its old levels, the neighbor should tell Dee she expects her to rein in her granddaughter. If Sarah’s actions ever turn into outright criminal behavior, Abby said, call the police immediately.
Missouri woman says she’s paying all the bills for an unhelpful mother-in-law
A second letter came from a woman signing as “Heavy-Hearted in Missouri,” who said her mother-in-law moved in with her and her husband seven months ago after a quick decision the couple never fully discussed. Since then, she wrote, the relationship has been difficult.
The mother-in-law doesn’t help with cooking or cleaning, according to the letter, even as household costs — electricity, groceries, water — have climbed. The couple covers everything, including doctor visits and prescriptions, with no offer of reimbursement from the mother-in-law, who also ignores her doctors’ recommendations. The letter writer said the mother-in-law treats her with disrespect, and that her husband does “everything for her,” including handling her bills and packing up her house into storage. The woman noted her mother-in-law never acted like a mother to her husband — no birthday cards, no acknowledgment of their children or grandchildren — and that her husband keeps asking, “What am I supposed to do, kick her out?”
The woman said she believes it’s time for the three of them to sit down and talk it out — a conversation she says should have happened long ago.
“You and your husband should have had a frank discussion about this before his mother was invited to move in. Because that didn’t happen then, do it now.”
Abby told the couple to call a three-way meeting without further delay. She advised the daughter-in-law to draft a list beforehand of what she believes her mother-in-law should be contributing, so she has something concrete to point to during the discussion. Abby also noted that having the mother-in-law’s belongings already in storage could prove useful if she ever needs to move out again.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren. The column was founded in 1956 by Pauline Phillips and written for nearly four decades by her daughter, Jeanne Phillips.
