Three readers wrote to syndicated columnist Dear Abby this week with questions ranging from grief etiquette to workplace flirtation to family terminology, and the longtime advice column, now written by Abigail Van Buren, offered straight answers to each.
A reader identified as Not Insensitive in Arizona asked about a friend who is upset that she did not send condolences after his wife’s biological father died in a one-car accident. The wife had been estranged from her father for more than 30 years and had repeatedly told the letter writer she hated him. The wife had adored her stepfather, who died a few years earlier, and the letter writer had reached out with condolences at that time.
“What is the rule of etiquette when a person loses a family member they hated?” the reader asked, questioning whether any expression of sympathy would be genuine.
Abby sided with the reader. She advised explaining to the friend that there was no intent to slight his wife, since the years of hearing how much she disliked her father led the reader to believe consoling her wasn’t necessary. Abby also suggested the reader call the wife separately to apologize if the silence was hurtful, making clear that was not the intention.
A co-worker’s signals
A 72-year-old woman signing as Puzzled at Work described a co-worker roughly 20 years younger who she believes is single. Over three to four years, he has made faces at her, winked, stood close, briefly followed her around the workplace, and the two have offered to buy each other drinks. The reader, who lost her boyfriend to heart problems a decade ago, wondered what was driving the behavior.
Abby pointed out that the behaviors described all signal interest rather than mixed messages, and suggested the man may simply be flirtatious or socially awkward. Her advice: take him up on the drink, without reading too much into it.
You have nothing to lose, but you may gain a good friend.
What to call a daughter’s partner
A reader from Texas, signing as Term of Endearment, wrote about her daughter’s longtime partner, with whom she lives and shares a strong commitment. The couple has supported each other through illness, the loss of parents, and job layoffs. The family struggles with how to introduce him socially, since he is not a son-in-law but is far more than a boyfriend in their eyes.
Abby’s advice was simple: ask the young man how he would like to be introduced, and follow his lead.
Dear Abby was founded in 1956 by Pauline Phillips and written for nearly four decades by her daughter, Jeanne Phillips. Letters can be sent to Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 270135, Kansas City, MO 64127.
